Rafa Benitez’ Step-By-Step Plan For Internazionale’s Destruction

01/08/2010 § Leave a comment

[DISCLAIMER: Right, so now let me make the matter of me being somewhat an Inter fan very clear. I basically support Liverpool, but you know, you need to have some team you like in every league, right? So there is Inter, Wolfsburg, and the others. But it really peeves me how the Waiter continues to coach a lot of the teams I like. Being not too big a fan of his is the inspiration for this satirical effort.]

The fat Spanish chap you see in the image left my beloved Liverpool FC in shambles, the boardroom torn, the dressing room messy, and more or less robbed us of a figure which is reportedly (depending on which ‘report’ you choose to believe) between three and nine GBP. Some bollocks he has, making a slightly less financially-lucrative move to the European champions after taking the compensation package, threatening to hijack the Jovanovic deal and bidding lower than his own valuation of our whiny defensive midfielder, Javier Mascherano.

Curse that man. I pity Inter for their future—as predicted by a source almost as credible as that pesky German Octopus—is given below.

2010-2011: Swaps Cambiasso + 12 million for the whiny Argentinian. Pisses Thiago Motta off by telling sniffing at him disdainfully and telling a former Barcelona player that he will never be as good as Lucas. Motta promptly hotfoots it to Real Madrid, followed by Maicon, since Benitez is superman and doesn’t need a right back because he plans to play a 3-5-2 system. In the Italian league, yes.

2011-2012: Realizes that Javier Zanetti is starting to ‘I’m-Getting-Too-Old-for-This-Stuff’ his job and inexplicably sells Cristian Chivu and buys a Hispanic defender. Bids for Torres and successfully purchases the Paraguayan midfielder.

2012-2013: Acknowledges Milito’s advancing age and responds by playing Mario Balotelli on the left-hand side of the midfield. Because that’s what he does best. Grumbles something about Lucio being too ugly and has his own face disfigured by the Brazilian hardman.

2013-2014: Complains something about not having transfer funds and about Massimo Moratti being too cheap. Peeves Wesley Sneijder by courting Eljero Elia. Sneijder leaves, Elia joins the Manchester City All-Star Team, and Benitez consoles himself by buying an old Greek centerback.

2014-2015: Still no sign of new strikers as Milito’s hair goes gray and Eto’o strolls around the training ground with a walking stick and bifocals.

2015-2016: Fails to notice that Goran Pandev left the club, won the Italian league with Parma, retired, and has been working as an Italian football pundit two years ago.

2016-2017: Spots an African man on the training ground and asks him his name. African man replies, “Sulley Muntari”.

2017-2018: Oh did i mention Inter got relegated three years ago?

2018-2019: Brings out the ‘facts’ sheet against new Juventus coach Walter Samuel. Asked by Massimo Moratti to leave. Benitez refuses. Moratti secretly calls up a friend in Palermo, Sicily. “Hello, Mr Corleone?…”


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